getting humbled out~

It might sound bad but this is a good thing, pain and suffering can bring it (humbling)- but for me it’s been more the road of ‘No’s’ here and there in my life. No, you will not be a supermodel, No, you will not be a super rock star, No, you will not be a millionaire jet setter or super athlete riding around In a Lamborghini etc. etc… Basically what my kids want. Basically what everyone wants. Basically what everyone believes is the best ‘want’. Because basically that is what the world sells us as that that will satisfy~

Well….that’s not how it went for me. I certainly tried. Maybe not hard enough? I took some photos and a modeling class ( a scam according to my parents…). I thought for sure I’d be making some easy money 😉
NOT! Nope. No gigs. Just a bill for the makeup and runway class lol. Ok, I did maybe two or three shows but totally for ‘charity’ and obviously not fancy at all.

Next: I tried my hardest to be in a band, play in a band, start a band, and after many years of hustling did finally get signed by a supposedly legit label. In Mexico City. Far from my hometown in Tijuana. With the wrong manager (me) and well…. that didn’t go anywhere. Fun times though;)

Next: Nope. Not a millionaire nor a sports athlete and well….no sports car either: I drive a Suburban.

I find it interesting how hard I fought to obtain theses ideals. How they exasperated me. Of course I didn’t know Jesus personally back then and I was running the electric show. I just didn’t have a crew on board…. or so I thought.

The humbling parts for me were obviously the proof of failure regarding the ‘dreams’– or at least what I thought was failure. My family proved to be right, other friends, and last but not least my bank account and bankruptcy lawyer! You know, I say that I THOUGHT that not making it BIG was all a failure but really: what a ride it has been. I SO wish it had made sense in my twenties. The different PURPOSE that can drive any dream. Big or Small. -Nothing wrong with being rich and famous. Except suffering daily when you are not rich and famous. And for me, this malcontent or un-satisfaction drove me to my knees in surrender.

When I cried out to god for him to reveal himself to me FOR REAL, everything changed. The rise and fall of my empire was left at Jesus’ feet. What happened next is the most fascinating success story of my life. So far. I mean really, who would have imagined that Christ could satiate this ironmomma’s thirst for life and power??!! It’s been hard and rough and happy and sad – but I have PEACE. Jesus gives me peace.
the peace that surpasses all understanding.~

I say ironmomma because I consider myself a fighter. A warrior. I work full time and love serving and loving my husband , two kids, their school and my church. (and I crossfit haha!!)
But really. the change pre and post Christ has a greater amount of power that is now fueled by Love and humility and is steered by His spirit. I am a princess warrior. A daughter of the King. King Jesus. The fight has new meaning. The fight is for my soul, and the souls of others. I am out of the front line of the me me me life. I am not of this world. The humbling ‘failure’ has me at his feet with such gratitude for :
#1) Having kept me alive here for a bit longer to serve his purposes. Like loving well and leading others to His freedom. (I can’t believe I’m not dead!)
#2) For the BIGGEST DREAM EVER! Being surrounded by His spirit, my husband and kids, my family, church, coworkers, the list goes on….
#3) He has placed me at a job where justice is met daily. Both human justice and God justice. I work with the most beautiful indigent people and though it is obviously hard at times, I am humbled that our God would place me in such a position of influence. I say influence not of this world- but the great and powerful influence of HOPE. In this #3 I am also grateful for the chance to worship with my friends at the Rescue Mission. Recovering addicts, recovering mental health patients, recovering lifers, recovering ‘humbles’. yep. another made up word.

I can’t wait to hear more of their story. of your story. the adventure never stops.

I love you anyway?

Recently I’ve been bothered by a certain dislike that I have for a certain person. It’s nothing huge but I often wonder why some people have a certain ‘power’ on my feelings. I’ve been told before that it could be because there is something in them that reflects something about me- well, I hope that that is NOT the case because certainly I am NOT as big an idiot as this certain ‘person’ is! I do have to say however, that I don’t like the yucky feeling this ‘hating’ causes in me and so, as I often do, I seek and ask and talk and vent and study and pray and argue with God and my mind about the ‘because’ of this emotion.

I want to tell you that this “person” often varies from day to day ;). Yes, if you think you are this ONE person- get over it. You are not favored and in the end its not even about you. Just sayin’. It’s not you, it’s me.

So yes, in general people can annoy me. Sorry. I am sure I annoy you as well sometimes. Or your MIL does. Or your spouse. Or your co-worker. Or whoever. This is something that my ex-boss used to tell me,” Gris, you have no patience for idiots.” And I admit that ten years ago I might have enjoyed that statement. Today, well….
How. Embarrassing. That. Is. For. Me.

I promise you I have changed (or at least I think I have) but anyway- during these past three weeks God has allowed me to figure out a few things. First of all, that which is MY part in this annoyment. I just made up a word. “Annoyment”. And that is a kind word, because really a few days ago it was more ‘hate’ than annoyment. 😦

I suppose I feel betrayed? I give and give and you just take and take. AND then you talk shizzle. I am not acting like a victim here (or am I?….maybe just a bit), I just wrote a list of the possibilities for this feeling. When people act ugly I usually blow it off with what my mother used to say all the time,”Oh Honey….They just don’t know any better.” or “Nobody taught them different.” But despite all that wisdom y’all know we all got our CERTAINS…..

So today in a bridal shower that I attended, my friend told the bride and groom that they will need to love each other….(key word coming) ANYWAY. Instead of I love you because of this or that, I love you anyway. In spite of your this and that. Because really, what do we expect? We are sinners. We are wicked. In other words….we are normal.

The kind of love that we are called to give is really only available by God’s power. And this includes loving my CERTAINS. And the BEST part is that: THIS. LOVE. REPLACES. MY. UGLY. FEELINGS. This LOVE sets me #free.

I keep thinking that I forgive and forgive but finally figured out that I am really just expecting payment from the ‘CERTAIN’. In the Book of Luke Jesus tells us to LOVE OUR ENEMIES. OF course, how easy would it be to just love the nice people right? Even though Im pretty sure I can find something annoying about them once in a while as well. BUT Jesus also calls us to lend to our enemies without expecting payment. And I thought about this LONG AND HARD. I lend you my heart and I expect you to pay me? It is IMPOSSIBLE to live like that.

“But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” Luke 6:35

Everyone has a story. A broken road. The more I remember this and listen to Jesus, the more my mind and heart are set free. I will love you anyway. He loves me anyway. I WILL NOT EXPECT payment. I can not do this on my own. When that feeling arrives, I will call out to Him. His spirit is in me. An I can love anyway~

“The same POWER that raised Christ from the dead is inside of you” Romans 8:11